Way out of reach and out of my depth

I am at a point in life where I feel so totally lost, out of control and yet so full of a kind of terrible excitement about the infinite possibilities that might happen to me. Yes, the proverbial quarter-life crisis.

I have not only decluttered my entire bedroom, discarding years of accumulated possessions, I have also quit my job and pruned my relationships.

My parents think I’m doing all this to start on a clean slate.

But now with my life largely emptied, what now?

I still don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t know what kind of job should I do. Should I go back to school? Should I fuck with school and continue working? What am I really good at?

I’ve given up on so many dreams that I’m afraid to dream again. I gave up being a classical singer, a metal rock frontman, an actress, a model, a pageant trainer, an etiquette instructor and a fashion designer. I dabbled in retail sales (that much I know; I’ll never go back there) and in teaching. I told myself I’ll never be a teacher, but who knows. Going to NIE is my Plan B but I’m afraid of becoming jaded and raising another generation of kids that will turn out like me.

I want to write but my writing is crap.

I want to get an ordinary corporate 9-to-5 job to pay the bills, but I’m afraid it will suck my soul away. I want to make money off what I like, but what I like to do doesn’t make much money. I want to make use of my talents and turn them into a career, but my talents and my beliefs don’t run the same course. Sure, I could probably be a good model and stage actress, but I lack the social networking skills required. Plus I hate the nightlife, the fakery and the whole ass-kissing required to get ahead.

This whole post is pointless. I’m just gonna go edit my resume for the n-th time and hope that this time, somebody would actually bother to call me back for an interview.

---